So first off, I should probably explain what I’m doing, as this blog is going to get pretty raunchy and may be a little all over the place for a while. For you see, as of this morning, I’ve left home to travel the world for a while. I’m leaving my kids. My husband. My house and 95% of my belongings. If you subscribe to this blog because you want macaroon recipes, you’re shit out of luck. You should probably unsubscribe. I’ve had a massive dramatic change in my life, have taken a long, hard look at everything and have realized I haven’t had a direction in years. I haven’t been doing what’s important to me, or making myself any sort of a priority. My home life is an absolute wreck. I’m a wreck. I’ll explain what’s going on with me physically tomorrow. I’m really hoping that I’ll be able to help some of you by sharing, but please unsubscribe if you’re not interested. I don’t want any negativity in my life anymore. I do need advice, suggestions, encouragement, love, and the occasional cuddle, though. If you’re into that, welcome aboard.
What exactly I want to do hasn’t been clear to me over the last five years, but I’ve always known it wasn’t this: being “The Paleo Woman Who Lost Over 100 Pounds And Overcame Infertility and Disease, Then Wrote A Book, But Who Secretly Hates Her Life And Who Wants To Run Away.” I’m not living authentically. I’m underestimating myself, doing something I loathe, and living in a city I can’t stand. Lately I have discovered some things about myself:
- I need to make things with my hands to be happy
- I’m a writer, not a public speaker
- I am no longer willing to censor myself
- I am willing to open up in order to help others
- I need personal connection, not online acquaintances
- I’m the type of parent who needs a governess
I would love to say any of it makes me sad in any way, but it doesn’t. I’m actually excited for the first time in forever. We’ve sorted everything out, the kids will be taken well care of and loved, money won’t be an issue, and my husband needs a break as much as I do. We’ve had an open relationship from the beginning, so there’s no feelings of jealousy or abandonment–nothing but support and love. I’m free to express myself in any form I desire. Oh, and speaking of that, if you’re offended by sex and language, you should also probably unsubscribe like right now. Or just close the browser. Those of you still here, take a look at number four on my bucket list below. ;)
What am I hoping to get out of this experience? I need to heal. I’ve identified key Primal elements that have been missing from my life and I think that adding them back in will help tremendously. I’ve been living like a Standard American, just without the shit diet, and ignoring my animal side–the one that needs connection, tranquility, movement, and nature, and who needs to be in tune with the rotation of the earth, the changing of the seasons, and the passage of real time. Each post I do from the road will cover one or more of these things, which I’ll document as part of my healing process. As I travel around, I’ll have one goal in each location, and one special person I’m going to visit that I feel has one piece of the puzzle to help me, or that I feel needs my help. Actually, I’ve already got a list going, full of all the incredible people I’m going to visit and what I plan on doing while I’m there. The list is simple, including things like slack lining in San Diego, living in the woods in Portland, drinking tequila in Reno, and watching the sun set in Santa Cruz but they are all things that I feel will help me achieve my personal goals. Some visits will simply be because I feel drawn to the area, the person, or the potential. If I come visit you (or you come visit me) I’ll show you the list, it’d be fun. But please don’t be offended if I don’t come to visit. This journey is about healing for me, and not about social visits. I’ve got nothing but a car, some clothes, a guitar, every single creature comfort I could pack into said car, and a tent just in case I need to sleep in the woods or I get lost. The reality of packing up and leaving everything behind is exhilarating. For the first time in six years, I feel light.
Here’s what I need from this trip:
All basic human needs, but sadly I’ve had very few of those needs met over the last six years. Over the last year, none of them have been present in my life in any noticeable capacity, mostly because I haven’t sought them out. I haven’t been depressed, but I’ve been withdrawn and anxious as hell. Things have been getting progressively worse. I’ve been overwhelmed from the moment I conceived my children, have had several near death experiences with them, and haven’t been acting like myself for a very long time. I’ve been saying for several years that if I don’t get away soon, I’m going to lose it. But get away where? I’ve been “getting away” for years but I always had to go home to the same shit. It made it harder to leave, knowing I had to eventually go back. When I got home, I was depressed and resentful. I felt trapped and numb.
This trip is about changing all that. Tomorrow, I’ll be posting about what happened to me. I’ll be delving into my past and sharing experiences with you that led me to this point. It’s gonna get personal. It’s gonna get raw.
It’s going to get pretty real, pretty fast.
I may have to change names to protect the innocent, but I won’t censor myself or the experiences I have. I hope you’ll come along on my journey with me. I’m going to be doing some pretty amazing things.
[box] I need your help! I’d appreciate any support you’re able to offer, as this trip could be fairly expensive. If you’d like to contribute, please buy a copy of my dough recipe. If you’d like to contribute more, please buy several copies! It’s a great recipe and well worth the four bucks. I’ll be using the money for food, gas, and lodging when I can’t find any. Thank you so much. Just click below to donate.[/box]
I need your help!
I’d appreciate any support you’re able to offer, as this trip is going to be expensive. If you’d like to contribute, please buy a copy of my dough recipe. If you’d like to contribute more, please buy several copies! It’s a great recipe and well worth the four bucks. I’ll be using the money for food, gas, and lodging when I can’t find any. Thank you so much. Just click below to donate.